I am married with one daughter. My husband is a good provider, but he is controlling, inflexible, not supportive, and has no regard for my needs and ideas. He also has another woman, and after finding out about her, I reconnected with my ex. After that I gave up on my husband and marriage. All I want is to get back with my ex, with whom I ended the relationship because he had no time for me. But now he has matured and is very loving. I want to leave my husband and be with my ex who is quite willing to have me back after I leave my husband. Please help.
There is a belief by some people that if the man provides financially for his partner and his child/children, that alone would qualify him to be a good partner/father. By your own admission, you also believe your husband is a good man as he is a good provider, but you also recognise that a relationship requires more than financial support; there is also the emotional component that must be fulfilled.
It sounds like you are experiencing emotional support deprivation and abuse, which money can’t supply. In other words, his controlling behaviour and his disregard of your views and opinions would certainly impair your self-esteem.
So in your effort to obtain love and affection you have now reached out to your ex, hoping that he can deliver the emotional support you are searching for. Your ex has indicated that he would be open to reuniting with you, but only on condition that you will leave your husband, which is the dilemma you now face.
You stated that you left your ex because he never had time for you in the past, which suggests that he never provided you with the attention that you presently don’t receive from your husband. But you apparently believe that your ex has matured. Are you sure that he has changed, or is he just trying to get you back in his life and is just putting on a show? This you need to consider as you anticipate your next move.
An important factor to also consider is your daughter, who would be affected by the decision to re-engage with your ex. It is very important to assess the possible repercussions regarding the child as you pursue your personal search for happiness. I am almost sure that your controlling husband would make demands on how his daughter should be handled in the separation which could cause her psychological harm.
Have you tried counselling to address your marital problems? If not, why not go there first before deciding to walk away? Infidelity seems to be an issue that both of you need to confront squarely in counselling sessions.
So as you contemplate the way forward, your personal happiness is important but it must be aligned with that of your child, as one can’t exist without the other. If you can be assured that both goals can be achieved simultaneously if you move on with your ex, then you may need to talk with an attorney. All the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to firstname.lastname@example.org; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail email@example.com.